Moving often means starting again from scratch socially. Colleagues aren't always enough, old friends are far away, and it's hard to know where to begin. The good news: meeting people is a skill you can learn, and a few simple habits make all the difference.
Key takeaways
- Favour regular activities over one-off events: bonds form when you keep seeing each other.
- Make the most of local structures (clubs, associations, newcomer welcome schemes).
- Take the lead on following up: suggest a second get-together within the week.
- Be patient: a friendship is built over dozens of hours spent together.
1. Become a regular somewhere
The same café on Saturday mornings, the same slot at the gym, the same market: regularly bumping into the same faces creates familiarity, and familiarity makes conversation easier. Psychologists call this the mere-exposure effect: we tend to like things — and people — more when we see them often.
2. Choose a regular activity rather than an event
A one-off party lets you meet lots of people… whom you'll never see again. A running club, a choir, a weekly pottery class or an amateur sports team mean you see the same people week after week. It's that rhythm that turns strangers into acquaintances, and acquaintances into friends.
3. Get involved with local clubs and associations
Many towns hold a fair where local clubs and associations present their activities — in France, it's the forum des associations, held at the start of the school year in September. It's the quickest way to discover what's on offer locally in a single afternoon. Volunteering has an added advantage: you meet people who share your values, and you immediately have something to do together — which spares you the awkwardness of aimless small talk.
4. Take advantage of schemes for newcomers
Some towns organise welcome events for new residents, and in France, the AVF network (Accueil des Villes Françaises) exists precisely to help people who have just moved in. Language cafés, guided neighbourhood tours and events run by your employer or your school are also excellent ways in.
5. Use an app designed to get you out
Not all social apps are equal. Choose the ones that organise real outings near you rather than the ones that keep you glued to your screen. That's the whole point of ToGather: suggest a hike, after-work drinks or a board game night — the same day or within the next two weeks — and an algorithm invites the participants for you, with profiles close to yours (Balanced mode) or, on the contrary, very different from yours (Discovery mode). You can also simply receive invitations.
6. Say yes, and make suggestions
In the first few weeks, accept as many invitations as you can, even the ones that don't completely thrill you: each one is a gateway to other circles. And swap roles as early as possible: suggesting an outing, however simple, makes you someone who creates opportunities — and people remember that.
7. Turn a meeting into a relationship
The decisive moment isn't the first meeting, it's the second. If you hit it off, follow up within the next few days with a specific suggestion (“I'm going for a run again on Thursday evening — fancy coming?”) rather than a vague “we should meet up again sometime”.
8. Give it time
Making friends takes time, and that's normal. A frequently cited study by researcher Jeffrey A. Hall (University of Kansas, 2018) estimates that it takes around 50 hours spent together to move from acquaintance to “casual” friend, around 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. In other words: if it doesn't happen within a month, it's not down to you as a person — it's a matter of regularity.
You don't make friends by looking for friends, but by doing things with other people.
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take to make friends in a new city?
There's no typical timeframe, but allow several months of regular meet-ups. Frequency matters more than intensity: seeing the same people every week works better than one big night out a month.
How can you meet people if you're shy?
Go for activities that provide a framework: sport, workshops, volunteering, board games. The activity carries the conversation for you, and you can get closer to people without having to “make conversation”.
Is ToGather suitable for newcomers?
Yes, it's one of the uses the app was designed for: getting invited to group outings near you, or suggesting your own, for free (up to 7 meetups a month).
Over to you. Pick just one idea from this list and try it out this week. And if you'd like to save time, ToGather builds the groups for you.